


concepts and mourning

by liableperfections



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Chronic Illness, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Infertility, Menstruation, Other, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:07:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22428319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liableperfections/pseuds/liableperfections
Summary: Could you mourn for a concept? An idea of something, or someone, that would never come or cease to exist.Marinette could.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste and Marinette Dupain-Cheng
Comments: 16
Kudos: 104





	concepts and mourning

**Author's Note:**

> tw for : infertility, descriptions of pain, mentions of panic attacks

Could you mourn for a concept? An idea of something, or someone, that would never come or cease to exist. 

Marinette could.

Since a young age, she had been obsessed with babies. Anything to do with them, she would involve herself in. Volunteering? Babysitting? Watching Maman’s soap operas with them in it when she couldn’t fall asleep? All of these she tried to include herself in. The idea of having, nurturing, and taking care of another human being was just fascinating to her, and she had no clue why.

At age eight she truly grasped the concept. Marinette played with dolls more than ever, cradling the plastic baby’s head with love and adoration. She took it far more seriously than any other kid, most likely, essentially treating the doll like a pet for almost a year before it was so musty her parents had to throw it out.

Marinette had always treated her friends with such love. She could be described as the “mom-friend”, often bringing her peers hugs and food whenever she could. She prided herself on giving the best birthday and Christmas gifts, putting all her heart and soul into it. The female personalized gifts, usually hand making them. She had a need to make everyone happy and feel her appreciation for them.

She baked with a passion, simply wanting to put a smile on anyone face who tried her macaroons. She often helped her father in the kitchen, standing on his toes and watching as he whisked ingredients together into a soft fluff or batter.

Marinette met Adrien as a freshman. She was instantly in love. All her life of searching for the right person, someone to have three kids and a house and a hamster with— it was him. Her and Alya gossiped about the future family.   
Emma.  
Hugo.  
Louis.

Three names of the three children were often in her journal or scrapbook, as she daydreamed about her future, even if it didn’t feature Adrien. She just wanted someone to nurture and show compassion towards, someone to love in a way she couldn’t love anyone else.

A mother’s love.

Becoming Ladybug added to it. She took care of the akuma victims with Chat Noir. He usually did the talking, as he was better with words, but she usually was the one to hug the victim, or offer a blanket or cuddle. She was affectionate, something that shone through her civilian and hero identity.

She had become Ladybug when she was 14.

She got her period when she 13. It was normal enough. Normal bleeding, normal cramps. She toughed it out for patrols, and was usually able to pull through school.

Age 15 changed it all.  
Cramps got worse. She would lie in bed crying, screaming, and withering: her mothering rubbing her back as she puked and cried and whined.  
Bleeding was heavy. Her mother had to buy twice the product than before for her daughter. She bled through extra-heavy tampons within an hour or so, and would often soak through bed sheets.  
Her mood swings were worsened. She was so dramatic it was concerning, and often had awful spats with her father.

Age 16 held OBGYN appointments.

Age 16 held the news.

She was infertile.

No Emma, Hugo, or Louis.  
No swollen belly. No morning sickness. No making baby clothes, or assembling a crib with her lover and bickering like they did in movies. No holding a newborn baby in her arms. No signing a name on a certificate stating that a child was hers.

Blocked Fallopian tube and endometriosis was the official diagnosis. Her mother signed papers and they went home for the day, the car ride silent and tense.

They had parked in the street. One look at a mother with a toddler and Marinette had dissolved into tears, her mother holding her head as she sobbed and pleaded, for anything other than this.

And so she mourned for the concept.  
Marinette mourned for whatever future children she wanted. She mourned for Emma, Hugo, and Louis, despite them not existing. She mourned for her dreams and hopes and passions.

She mourned for herself.

—————————————————-

She continued to mourn for a long time.

Marinette didn’t talk much about children after that. No more Emma, Hugo, or Louis were mentioned to anyone. No one knew except her mother and father, and she kept it that way.

She took off patrol for the week after receiving the news. She messaged Chat, and he had sent her a frown-y face, asking what was wrong.  
She left him on seen, for he couldn’t understand what she was going through. She felt no one did.  
She felt alone.

Babysitting classes were held a month after the news. Ms. Bustier had announced it excitedly, most the girls in her class busting into happiness.

Marinette had simply burst into tears, Alya having to escort the distraught Marinette out of class.

And so the noirette told her friend everything.  
Marinette told of the menstrual pain.  
She told of the appointments.  
She told of the worries and fears.

Marinette went home early that day, a smaller weight being lifted off her chest.

A baby was akumatized another month afterward. Marinette, as Ladybug, had hyperventilated for the whole thing, Chat Noir pushing her to the side so he could take care of the akuma properly.

She didn’t stay to comfort the child or wait for the parent, instead pushing the baby into her partners arms and swinging off.

—————————————————-

It had only been three months.  
Her mom and the doctor said to give it time, and that the pain would edge away.

Bullshit.

Yet, she continued the five stages of grief.

Denial.  
She had denied for a long time what the doctor had told her. She continued to write in her journal about the three kids, and even sketch out baby clothes. She still cried everytime kids were mentioned, but she didn’t quite grasp the concept that this was permanent, and would affect her forever.

Anger.  
Marinette had fumed after two weeks of denial.  
Why her? Why not some other girl? Why not some other girl who didn’t have dreams or wants or needs.  
She’d already given up so much for Ladybug. She felt she’d given enough to the world.

But apparently it wasn’t.

Bargaining.  
The first month had been a breeze to what she felt like now.  
Anything. The world could have taken anything else away from her. Take away her artistic ability. Take away her baking skills. Take away her friendship.  
Take away being Ladybug.

Depression.  
This was the longest stage, Marinette felt.  
After two months of bargaining, she was here.  
She remembered vaguely one night as it truly set in.  
She was broken.  
No one wanted a wife that couldn’t have a baby.  
No baby would survive her pregnancy, because her stupid body wasn’t built for her. Her own, stupid body, was the one to betray her in the end.

It hurt. She almost clawed her room apart. Her journal, filled with daydreams of children and a lover were torn apart page by page, her tears staining the ink of her pen on the paper.

Designs for children and babies were also torn up and thrown away, being stuffed into a garbage bag.

Her old baby doll that sat in the chest was cradled to her chest, being gripped tightly as the female sobbed and heaved and whimpered, asking “why her”, and why not someone else.

Why her?

Acceptance was still missing.   
It would never come.

—————————————————-

Marinette and Adrien started dating a year after she found out she was infertile. They had accidentally discovered each other’s identities after an akuma attack, both of them de-transforming in the same spot.

They had laughed and cried, and shortly later that night Adrien had asked her to be his girlfriend. She said yes, not thinking of the consequences.

He had found out she was infertile after a long, tiring night. She had refound her old baby photos.

Marinette had come to school, bags under her eyes and eyes tinted red. She shot him a smile that didn’t even come close to real and resembled a grimace.

She had sat down next to him at lunch and laid on his shoulder, napping for a half hour before leaving his side to go to classes.

He was utterly confused on why she was so tired and... down.  
She wasn’t her normal self, and Adrien didn’t like the look on his girlfriend’s face one bit.

He had confronted her later that night at patrol, both of them nestled in a random alley way they found.

“Bug, what are you not telling me? You’ve been off all day, sweetheart,” Adrien commented, brushing aside a stray piece of Marinette’s hair behind her ear.

She tensed, hiding her face in his shoulder and gripping her stomach.

“I don’t want to talk about it,”

Adrien would have normally left it there, but this felt different. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was her body language, or how upset she was deep down. ( he could tell )

“Okay.... but if you need to talk, I’ll be her-“

“What about if one day you’re not here, hm? When you leave me for someone better, someone who can give you everything you want!” Marinette exclaimed, standing up and walking in front of him. Her shoulders slouched and her eyes were brimmed with unshed tears.

“What’s this about, Mari? I know we’re young, but you know I want the future with you. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone better,”  
“Even someone who can have kids?”  
“What-“  
“Even someone who can supply you with three kids? Emma, Hugo, and Louis. Someone who can give you a future, and be a housewife. Someone you can have a baby with and not some stranger. Someone who won’t be broken!”

Silence filled the alley way, minus Marinette’s sobs and she shook her head.

“Forget. I’m sorry. I think you can finish pat-“  
“Marinette Dupain-Cheng,”

His voice, stern but gentle, sent a shiver down her spine. Hot tears continued to stream down her cheeks, and she couldn’t get herself to breathe properly.

“Breathe, sweetheart. I’m not mad.”  
Adrien held his arms open and Marinette immediately rushed into them, shoving her face into her chest and letting out ugly sobs, choking on her own tears and spit. His hands rubbed her back and stroked through her hair, attempting to comfort her.

They would talk about it later. For now, he knew, and that was all that mattered.

—————————————————-

Adrien and her discussed their future. They wanted to get married when the time was right.  
Three hamsters, or cats, named Emma, Hugo, and Louis.  
A nice, modest but still roomy house.  
He would be a professor.  
She would be a designer.

He would hold her through bad nights of pain and get her heating pad. He would change bloodied sheets and he would sit through OB-GYN appointments.

He would never leave her, kids or not.

It wasn’t acceptance, yet.  
But she was getting there.

For now, Emma, Hugo, and Louis would be with her in heart.   
Where they would be safe and happy.

**Author's Note:**

> this is very personal to me, and is actually a piece I wrote almost two years ago. I hope it provides comfort to anyone who’s ever been in this situation like me or Marinette.


End file.
